If you read this, you perhaps can help someone who needs this story:
Our younger daughter, Suzanne Crain Miller, spoke for 13.5 minutes at the AFSP Out of Darkness Walk in Durham (NC). A suicide-attempt survivor, Suzanne addressed a standing audience (gathered for a 5K walk). Janelle Smith, our older daughter, and I were I there for the speech and were proud of Suzanne. After the walk, Suzanne shared her faith with some who told her stories about folk they knew who attempted or completed suicide. Suzanne's husband, Chad Miller, supported Suzanne in her outreach.
Suzanne’s speech is also posted at this site: https://tattooeddaughter.wordpress.com/nonfiction-articles/
Let In, Let Go, and Let Stay
By Suzanne Crain Miller
I stand here today in front of you having survived an attempt at 15 and then again at 18, but I don’t want to tell you as much about who I was then, though you have to know a little about that girl to get the picture of who I am now. Who I was then was scared. I was scared out of my mind that I’d never get out from under the dysfunction of my family and other adults I saw. That my life would not be better. It would only be worse. Already chock full of eating disorders from the time I was 10, I was scared that I’d always battle that addiction. Mostly, I was scared life would always be as confusing and depressing as it was at that time. That life was going to be so very, very hard and I wasn’t up for it.
Strange how most researchers say that our brain doesn’t even develop fully till we’re 25, but there I was at 15 making life altering decisions based only on what I’d experienced thus far, on the little glimpse I’d had of such a small world.
I’m so fortunate that naïve, scared girl didn’t win out. I’m so fortunate to be here in front of you today at 41. I can tell you that those years between then and now have not been easy. I’ve had so much work to do. I’ve had to re- learn how to think about things. More one at a time rather than whole picture. More getting out of my own head and reaching out to others instead. More self love than self hate. More acceptance than intolerance. Possibility opening up where fear threatens to crush. A horizon of promise rather than a black hole of nothingness.
More importantly, I’ve had to learn how my brain works, whether my depression and morbid feelings are more heredity or learned, I cannot care. Where things begin doesn’t really change what we have to do about them, and I’ve had to change my filter, mold it with therapy and resources over time. I’ve had to accept that I will never be done. I will always have to do this. Like a diabetic who will always have to take insulin and be mindful about what they put in their bodies to live, I will always have to be mindful about what I’m allowing and putting into my mind to live as well.
In his book Hardwiring Happiness, author Rick Hanson details that we are comprised of three things: What we let stay, what we let go, and what we let in. I’ve had to come to grips with the fact that I have less I can let stay than most, more that I need to let go than most, and more that I must let in than most people. This has to be okay. I cannot compare myself to others. This is how it is for me.
I do not find this dooming. I’m happy about this, as it means it’s not an unsolvable problem. I can work with this because there’s so much good to let in, and I’ve not missed all the bad I’ve had to let go. Those people and those ideas that I’ve let stay have had to earn their place in my life rather than just being inherited, grandfathered in, and me having to put up with it.
The biggest thing I’ve let in, that I encourage you today to also let in, is love. There is so much love to be had, and I’m not just talking about from others. The most important love you will ever let in is for yourself. Loving yourself first and foremost means you are not ashamed.
No part of your past, your depression, suicidal ideation, anxiety, addictions, any mental struggles, they are nothing to be ashamed of. They are to be accepted, loved and treated with care.
Only when we can do this for ourselves can we see what we have to let go, what’s not working for our wellness, for our life. If you keep pushing rather than embracing, you are stuck in a fight, the angst and overall health, health of the mind, or health of the body cannot thrive in angst.
Love is not pushing down, or pushing out, or covering up. There is no shame in love. I think that I’ve accepted this, but I have tests, things that cause me to realize I still have shame I have not let go of.
Just last January, I went to my work conference. I could tell the week before I went that it was coming at a tough pain week for me with my disability of my disease of my nervous system. My treatments were not being kept up consistently by my insurance and then to top it off, I am not a traveler; I don’t enjoy it really and I would be isolated from my husband and friends for a week and only with co-workers who hardly knew me. It was a cocktail for suicidal ideation and my depression to leak right back into the life I work so hard to have.
Once I arrived at my hotel where the conference was, I walked up to check-in, and the check-in woman had a big smile on her face when she looked up my room number.
“Oh, your company upgraded to the penthouse suite. That’s great!” she exclaimed.
I immediately knew this was not great for me. I knew I was not in a well enough place to have a suite with a balcony way way up there, but there were people behind me and if she’d have moved me, she’d have had to tell my employer I wanted to be moved and it would’ve been this whole ordeal. Silly, right? I told myself I would be fine. I let that naïve depressed teenage side of me whose brain hadn’t been fully developed back into my life at that moment. I let her tell me not to make waves. Not to do anything to be ashamed of.
I made it through, obviously, here I am, but I spent an excruciating week, toying with the idea of going out on that balcony and taking back what I’d let go of. Taking back all that depression and darkness and letting it win. I spent a week having to be out of my room as much as possible so as not to have to battle that girl so much.
The biggest thing that week taught me is that even though I’ve let that girl go, not let her stay, she hasn’t let me go. Whenever I get too embarrassed to admit to myself or others who I am, who I’ve been, the struggles I have, she is there waiting to take over again and that by being ashamed I let her back in.
Once I made it home, I told myself I will never be ashamed of that girl again. I will not provide anywhere for her to hide. I will ultimately keep her out by not having any closets where she can take refuge. I will live my life as an open field, rather than a haunted house, because I can’t care who knows about that part of me that still sometimes after all these years wants to die. I can only care about the part of me I’m cultivating, nursing back to health, the part of me that’s bent on living. That is who I make room for – not the girl who wanted to die, but the woman who has so much life to live.
So that’s what I want to make sure you take away today. What are you letting stay? What are you letting go? And what are you letting in?
Do you love all the parts of yourself you’ll need to love to let the right things in?
What’s stopping you? Embrace all those parts of you, all those dark, sad, disappointments you have that weigh you down.
I challenge you today to quit being ashamed of who you’ve been and ask yourself where you’re going and what and who can you let in to get there. Shame is that closet where depression festers and hides. Open the doors. Let light drive it out.
Live in the wide open space where there is nowhere for that part of you to thrive.
Let go of who and what stuffs you back in that closet. Let stay who and what wants what’s best for you at all cost, even if it means you’re not who they want you to be.
Let in resources, whether it be therapy, faith, community, books, podcasts, music, whatever it is that can help you remold your filter.
LiveThroughthis.org (gives testimonials of survivors – this can encourage us) and afsp.org (American Foundation for Suicide Prevention).
And most of all let in love, love of self, love who you’ve been, who you aren’t and who you are, love of what you have to offer this world, love of others, love of this precious, possibility filled life.
Things to keep in mind in being in a friendship or family relationship with someone who’s survived a suicide attempt or those struggling with suicidal ideation:
1) Listen — Don’t feel like you have to fix them. Listen and let them know you’re a safe place to turn.
2) Check in — I like to use the lyrics from the Ben Harper song “Never Leave Lonely Alone.” Sometimes people try to isolate. Be consistent in any way they seem to be comfortable with you checking in via text, e-mail or call, and when you feel you should, go by and knock on the door. Sit on the porch, whatever you have to do to make sure they’re okay.
3) Intervene — Even though you’re not responsible, at times you must be firm in your love by letting them know that if it gets bad enough that you’re scared they will go through with it, you will be glad to go with them to a therapist or center where they can get adequate help. If you must, talk with family or someone close to them about how to best help them if they seem unwilling to help themselves.
4) Accept — Accept that ultimately, you cannot make someone want to live, you can only remind them of reasons why they should and be beside them while they choose to accept those reasons. You cannot control them. At the end of the day, if you’ve done everything you can, you must make peace with your efforts.
You will also need to accept that this type of struggle is cyclical. The person may seem “out of the woods” for a long while, then life happens and they will go through this again. Just because they struggle again doesn’t mean that anyone failed; it is the nature of this type of struggle.
For those who’ve lost a loved one or friend to suicide:
When we lose someone to suicide, it is very different from losing someone in other ways.
It is so hard to accept that they chose not to be here.
We might feel as though they looked at us, at what we have to offer and turned it down.
We not only mourn them, but we take it personally. We are left wondering why we weren’t enough to live for.
I can tell you that even though their decision seems extremely personal, it is not.
By the time that person has made up their mind, they are in such immense and overwhelming pain, they are not thinking clearly.
The same way we would not take on responsibility for a person dying from a heart attack, we must not do so for a those who make this decision to leave us.
You will miss them. Missing them is a good thing.
This means you love them. Miss them as often as you think of them.
When you think of them, enjoy the thoughts of the gift they were to your life.
Do not forget them, but do not make the mistake of thinking that letting their passing become a point of depression and darkness in your own life will be honoring to them.
There are too many people who need you. Their death has given you a knowledge and experience, that you would have rather not had, but we don’t always get to pick what we become knowledgeable about, only what we do once we get that knowledge.
What you know needs to be shared. You have hope to offer to those still struggling and to offer those who love you.
You will honor your loved one most by helping others. However many lives you affect is their legacy.
Keep in mind, we cannot reach out when we are reaching back.
Reaching out is the only way to ensure we are helping those who are still here stay with us. Reaching out is our only way forward.
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