ARE PARENTS AND CHILDREN 'FRIENDS'?

  Should parents expect their adult children to stay emotionally close to them?

Taylor Caldwell wrote “Great Lion of God,” a novel about the Apostle Paul. In that fictional tale, Paul’s father, Hillel, talks with Gamaliel, a revered Jewish teacher:  

“Then our children are strangers to us?” said Hillel in the exhausted voice of grief.

“Almost invariably,” said Gamaliel. “Wise is that father that knows that from the beginning… Let him cultivate his son’s friendship, as he would cultivate the friendship of a stranger… for what man can be a friend to another if the sympathy is not there…? I do not deny a father’s love. But a son’s love is a vagrant thing… A man must not seek to compel his son to love him… He must only demand respect and honor, and in the end they may be of more value.”

I sent that question and Gamaliel’s “advice” to friends who commented:   
  “I think we have a parent-child relationship when children are young but a friend-friend relationship when they mature,” a mother of three adult children said. 

I wrote to her, saying, “Parents always will have parent-child relationships with their children. We may imagine friend-friend relationships with our children, but I doubt that’s possible. Is the friend-friend thing part of our wishful society? Some parents relate well with their children, but there will always ‘be’ the parent factor.”

Chuck wrote, “I think your response is spot-on. It sounds like a current-society idea to become friend-friend instead of always ‘loving parent-child.’”

A retired teacher said, “I totally agree with you, Steve. A parent is a parent, first and foremost… I have seen parents who ‘think’ they and their children are ‘friends,’ but that is not what God intended the relationship to be. The Bible, to my knowledge, says nothing concerning a ‘friend’ relationship [with one’s children]… You can be a friend to your child, but you are ultimately the parent, and they are the children.”   

A mother said, “‘Honor your father and mother – which is the first commandment with a promise – that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth’” (Ephesians 6:2-3). 

Buddy Bowman, a retired public school teacher and coach wrote about his childhood in a “mill village” in S.C.: “It [the parent-child relationship] is a subject that could bring about a wide variety of opinions, depending on the parent-child relationship in the early stages. I remember friends who spoke of their fathers in a disrespectful fashion. It angered me, because I believed their behavior to be disgraceful, as I knew their fathers to be hard-working men who did what they could for their families, with limited income. My remark was that they (their fathers) were better in their roles than my friends were as sons. Their mothers seemed to have their respect, but not their fathers. My respect for both of my parents grew even more as I learned of their sacrifices. Today, as I drive down the road, I ask God's forgiveness for my sins of omission, regarding both of my parents. They were better parents than I was a son, and I still regret that.”